Riding Bulls

I've never ridden a real live bull- you know, the kind with horns and a bad attitude?  But sometimes my life feels like riding a bull. Marriage, parenting, business, money, responsibility and leadership, expectations and hopes and dreams mixed with the pressure to keep all the pistons firing and ensuring that all the people within my sphere of influence are thriving- these are the challenges facing me every day.  Better strap in tight- this is a wild ride!

It is no easy task. Attempting to help run a business without it running us is an especially difficult task. The mixture of prosperity and the pressure it brings is a challenging balance.  Did I mention that my business partners are my wife and her parents?  The fact that harmony is the normal status with us is nothing less than a miracle- and a blessing.  But challenging nevertheless.

And with two young boys running around- warriors in the making- the challenge grows!  But here I am in the throes of it all, holding on with all of my heart and soul. I will NOT let go- this bull will not throw me off!  My eyes are fixed on the prize- giving my all, my everything to fight for my wife and boys and family and business and community is more than a noble cause- it is a battle for integrity and freedom and truth and life. 

"A man who walks in his integrity, how blessed are his sons after him."

Yes, I am standing at the crossroads between generations.  I am blessed because of those who have gone before me. And my sons will be blessed after me because of Christ in me.  So I hold on and ride this bucking beast that these 30-something years are throwing at me!

Desert Daydream

The sun is high in the blue, cloudless sky.
No wind.
Hot and dry.
The desert is so quiet that I can hear my heart
beating in my ears.
Each step sends a little cloud of dust
up from under my feet.
I stop.
Deafening silence.

I strain my eyes to the horizon
of the seemingly endless desert.
The Negev.
Desolate lands
just to the west of the Dead Sea.
My tongue clings to the top of my mouth.
How can anyone survive out here?
Alone and thirsty.
My eyes narrow as a figure appears on the horizon.
A person? Way out here? Alone?
I walk to take a closer look.

He is sitting on a rock with his back to me.
The hood of his tunic covers his head.
He is writing in the sand in front of him with a stick.
Now I can see his sandaled feet.
He turns his head.
When I see his face, I no longer feel any thirst.
Love and joy are in his eyes.
His wide smile emanates gentleness and kindness.
He removes his hood and stands to greet me.
He motions with the stick for me
to sit down on a rock next to him.
He is still smiling and I can feel him
peering into my soul.
His welcoming posture reveals
flawless goodness and self-control.

We embrace for some time
—a powerful, unhurried embrace.
He says quietly, "Son,"
and at the sound of his voice and his deep familiarity,
I am overtaken by his faithfulness.
He holds my shoulders firmly
with his calloused hands and looks into my eyes.
The peace in his eyes seems unending
and his smile is filled with patience.
He is not in a hurry.
And now I realize why he is so comfortable
way out here in the nothingness of the Negev.
He isn't alone- never has been.
It is a great Fellowship that he is enjoying,
and he has invited me into the Inner Ring.
Tears streaming down my face,
I sit down, enthralled and embraced
by the substance of his presence.
And so our conversation begins...

© 2009 MAGOH

Contented Ambition

Many things are fleeting in our fast-paced lives. Perhaps the incessant advertising we endure contributes to this, but one of the most fleeting postures of life is contentment. Many would argue that if you are content that you lack ambition. I disagree.

To be content does not mean that you are without desire or ambition. It simply means that you are willing to live in the present moment. I find that most driven people are pushing off their contentment to some time in the future. When they get their retirement all lined up and collect enough wealth, then they'll stop to be content. Meanwhile they are not ever fully here in the present.

The question ultimately comes down to: "How much is enough?" If your answer is "just a little bit more" then you'll never get off the treadmill.

So each day, I set my heart to be present in every moment- to work with contentment and to play with contentment. Sometimes I forget, and I let myself wander into trying to live in the future. When I do that, my heart loses its joy. It takes a good reminder that I have been given much and I need to enjoy that much because tomorrow has enough trouble of its own.

Because when I pause to be grateful for the present moment and be content in it, I can feel my heart welling up with joy.

Community

Sometimes it feels fleeting, like chasing a rabbit bounding through the bushes. Sometimes it feels rich and refreshing like rain pouring down from heaven. It is a little phenomenon called "community." It often seems very elusive in our culture despite the culture boasting of being more "connected" now than ever before. But what is true community? Well, here's my two cents on the subject:

I would define true community as an integrated web of deep, personal relationships. And ultimately it is something very precious and necessary to the human soul because it involves one of the most basic of all human needs: the need to belong.

The human need to belong has become a modern-day marketing feeding frenzy. All sorts of books have recently been written about it. Now that the "secret" is out, it seems that everyone is telling you how you can "belong" so that you'll feel good about belonging to something bigger than you are; or, conversely, how you can get more people to be aware of YOU so that you can feel good about yourself because people are "following" you.

What prompts me to write this reflection has to do with technological impacts on community. With online networking and faster methods of communication becoming old-hat, we aren't playing the same game we were a quarter-century ago. I don't need to make a list of the most popular techie methods of communicating nowadays because most of you already know them. There's almost an unspoken social pressure to "get with the program" and be actively participating in all of them. But what is the fruit of these new technological "advances" in the area of cultivating deep, personal relationships?

Cultivating deep personal relationships may be becoming a lost art in this technological era. Think of the friendships you deeply cherish and the healthy experiences of community you have enjoyed. What did it take to build that sort of relational depth? It first and foremost takes substantial amounts of time together face-to-face, sharing life together.

I've been using the term "true community" here, and it's worth contrasting that idea to other forms of "community." Now we have online communities galore- virtual gathering places where people can share their common interests while they remain safe behind their computer and smartphone screens. That type of gathering place might be called "community" in our modern lingo, but it is not the true community to which I'm referring. Those types of gathering places are missing face-to-face time. No matter how much you chat, post, tweet, blog, email, text or discuss online, nothing can replace good-old face-to-face conversation to reveal true relationship. (Or lack thereof.) In fact, if you rely on these kinds of virtual gathering places to get your need for true community, you may fall prey to the tendency to assume a level of intimacy with people with whom you really don't have it.

(**I'm not suggesting that socializing online or using technology to communicate is useless or meaningless. I'm not going to get rid of my Facebook account. I'm just suggesting that to rely on these things to build intimate relationship and community may be an exercise in futility.**)

Here's my point and the summary of this post: we can't replace true community with virtual community. It doesn't work. I do believe, however, that virtual community can and does supplement true community. But you can't just have virtual community and expect it to actually meet your need to belong- it can only virtually meet that need- and only for awhile. We were meant to thrive in face-to-face personal contact with other human beings- an environment that challenges us to love and be loved despite all our flaws without the invulnerability of a screen between us and the world.

Mr. Mom

This week Stephanie has enjoyed a wonderful trip to Washington and Oregon with some of her precious lady friends. She has been gone a full week, and she went with her mother, Lana, who is our beloved "next-door-Nana." So it was up to me to hold down the fort in their absence.

My week consisted of singlehandedly dropping off and picking up Ben from school, packing lunches, figuring out a finicky baby, at least 30 consecutive diaper changes, stepping on toys in the kitchen, feeding kids & dog and sometimes myself, taking care of business at the Nursery, kid vitamins, doing dishes, story times, tucking in prayers and songs, incessant wiping, laundry, baths, picking up kid toys and clutter, grocery shopping, cub scouts, putting on and taking off baby shoes and jackets, taking out the trash, playing board games with Ben, cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, sweeping, running errands and remembering to bring all the baby paraphernalia.

I think I can now rightfully and officially bestow on myself the prestigious title of "Professional Mr. Mom."

However, I don't have to sustain this singlehandedness indefinitely. Stephanie is coming home tomorrow- the Beauty and Light of this home will shine on us once again!

My mind goes in a couple different directions after this week. First, I have a profound respect and empathy for those valiant parents who are taking on the demands of their household alone. So here's a shout to all you single dads and moms out there. I feel your pain, even just seven days of it. You are truly super-human, and deserving of the highest respect possible!

Second, and perhaps a little closer to home for me, I have a renewed appreciation for all that my beautiful wife does to care for all of us and keep our family functioning on all cylinders. It is a daunting task and one that she tackles with much more grace and beauty than I could muster in a thousand years. And now I know all the details, all the idiosyncrasies, all the demands of running this precious household. And now I know how I can help. This family is a team, and having a game plan is vitally important. This week has revealed to me how I can step up and become a better co-captain with that pretty blonde lady that I share my life with. Together we can not only get stuff done, but have a whole heck of a lot of fun in the process!

So here's to all those accomplished and aspiring "Professional Mr. Moms!" It should be a coveted title and one that requires ample time in the perilous trenches of daily life in the family home!

Headlights

My grandfather used to tell me about when he was in the Army Air Corps and often had to drive from his home in Oklahoma to his military base in California. He made the trip many times, often at night. He would say, "Kirby, when I got in my car in Oklahoma, I couldn't see my base in California. I could only see as far as my headlights would shine. But that was all I needed to see." He used that as an analogy to life. We don't need to see the end destination, but only what's in view just ahead.

What's in your headlights?

In my headlights I see a blonde lady ever increasing in beauty and two small boys. Oh, yeah, there's a business in there somewhere, too. But I find that if I allow my mind to get too far ahead I end up worrying about stuff that I have no business worrying about. When I do that I'm just straining to see California when I should just pay attention to what my headlights are shining on.

Heavy?

Life comes like a journey, not like a microwave dinner. It really isn't at all predictable like a Marie Callendar's broccoli fettucini dinner. This journey has quite a few hills and valleys, and you just never know how you got to the point of going up a steep hill. Whatever happened to the happy-go-lucky years?

Well, I believe they can be regained.

Things feel heavier when we are in the midst of challenge and hardship. These inflict varying levels of trauma to our hearts. And the result is that familiar (oh how we wish it wasn't familiar) twisting of the gut that makes us realize that everything will never be the same again.

But I've got a vision of Christian, the character in The Pilgrim's Progress, dropping his heavy load at the cross. Have you ever carried a heavy pack for long enough to hurt pretty bad? Oh the feeling of dropping that pack is utter relief.

So drop your pack.

Why do things have to be so heavy all the time? I mean, it might as well be the beaches of Normandy the way I see so many people around me hurting. And everyone seems to be carrying such heavy loads.

If you ever need to be reminded of how to regain "happy-go-lucky" living, just go sit down and play with a small child for a while. You'll remember. I guarantee it. And things won't feel quite so heavy anymore. I do it almost every day. It helps me remember that "...unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." -Jesus

Learning the Hard Way

Today I loaded up 3 gas cans in my 4Runner to fill with gas for our lawnmowers and 4-wheelers. I was also low on gas in the 4Runner. I had Stephanie, Benjamin and Britton with me. I dropped Steph off at King Soopers to pick up some diapers and a couple other items and then drove to the King Soopers gas station. Ben (of course) wanted to help me fill the gas cans. So after entering my payment info at the pump, I let him be in command of the gas pump nozzle and watched him stick it into the can and pull the trigger. No problem. I topped off the first can and while I put the lid on it Ben start on the second. I topped off the second and put the lid on while Ben started the third. Once the three cans were full, I stuck the nozzle into the 4Runner to fill it up. Ben said something like, "Daddy can I hold the trigger to fill it up?" I responded with, "No Ben, you don't need to touch it. Leave it alone and it will click off when it's all done." So I turned to pick up the 3 full gas cans and load them in the back of the 4Runner. Next moment, Ben is screaming, "Daddy, it EXPLODED on me!!" And when I turn to see what happened I see gas dripping all down the side of the 4Runner onto the ground and all over Ben's face, head and shirt.

Now what would you do?

I knew I needed water, but it was one of those lame gas stations with the guy inside a tiny glass-enclosed building selling cigarettes and injector cleaner. So I went for paper towels first. I checked the window cleaner station at my pump. Towels empty. I ran over to the next. Empty. Now remember, Ben is standing there with his eyes closed soaked in gas and screaming, "DADDY IT BURNS, DADDY DADDY DADDY!" And by now Britton has climbed out of the 4Runner and is also yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" And of course, everyone in the entire gas station is muttering under their breath, "man that guy is a complete idiot who should be turned in to the authorities." After I finally located some paper towels (which they had just loaded the paper towel dispenser so full that I could hardly get any out and was cussing under my breath) I ran up to the glass building attendant and said, "I really need some water to flush my son's eyes." Luckily there was a kind gentleman who had a bottle of water which he donated to the cause. So we flush Ben's poor little gas-soaked eyes which burned like fire and just about that time Stephanie walks up with a box of diapers and sack of groceries. You can imagine her response to the situation. Serious stomach acid.

Anyway, we loaded him up in the car, quickly drove home, googled "treatment for gas in eyes" and threw him into the shower. We flushed his eyes for about 20 minutes and he began to recover. All the time I'm thinking, "why would he mess with the nozzle when I told him to leave it alone?"

He's fine now. No lost eyesight or permanent damage. We even went swimming today, played a board game and rode 4-wheelers for a couple hours tonight. But how scary...

Made me start thinking about Ben in general. He's fearless. That's a good trait, right? Well, sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. I have no doubt that he's going to be an Airborne Ranger or something. But he's six- not exactly experienced at anything. But he thinks he is. Sometimes the counsel of Daddy just doesn't seem to ring relevant for him and he's gotta learn things the hard way.

Hmmmm. I guess I'm not too much different. How often to I sort of ignore Daddy's counsel and go ahead and try it out my way? I've learned over the years that Daddy is right. After all, He loves me. So when we asked Ben if he learned anything today, he said, "To listen to Daddy because he wants me to be safe." Ok, hopefully this one sank in. One can only hope that 45 minutes of stinging face and eyes has to count for something...

Weary

Weariness: It's a state of being with which I've become quite familiar recently. This has been a very difficult six months. The Nursery has been doing well, but I find myself feeling more weight every year in terms of leadership, responsibility and oversight. More and more people depend on me, and I feel the pull toward becoming driven and overly ambitious. Ultimately, my desire is that the Nursery would feed more people in our community and become a larger clearinghouse for meeting needs. I think it does that, but it is God who is doing the good work through us, not us doing the good work. As soon as I begin thinking that I'm "making anything happen," that is the moment that I begin to lose proper perspective.

Stephanie feels the weight of responsibility, too. She has taken on substantial oversight of production- both in a practical sense and in a visionary sense. She is doing a wonderful job. But the Nursery has a powerful pull on her as well, and that coupled with the needs of our home and family, she reaches breaking points much more easily than she would like.

Benjamin is a powerful individual, and as he gains confidence through education and social development, he has become very challenging to channel energy in right directions. His heart is tender, and I want to foster that tenderness, but it takes a powerful edge to provide discipline to which he will submit.

And Britton is coming into his own. He has his own opinions now- no more consistent compliant sweetness that we had during his first two years of life. Although he is much softer of will than Ben ever was, he is expressing himself in much more demonstrative ways than ever before. This also requires much more energy for us to channel.

So Stephanie and I feel like we are in a crucible- I sometimes feel like I'm on "the rack," being stretched to uncomfortable levels. We have been able to work together toward health and freedom, and are finding enjoyment in each small victory. But it has been hard to experience some of the worst of our flesh in the process. The challenge has consistently been to remember that we are not one another's enemy- no, we have another enemy who hates us and has devoted himself to dividing and conquering.

I think to define what is happening to me I'd say I feel that my time is no longer my own. Britton is up around 5:45am each morning. After work, my time is spent with the family- fun and yet still requiring something of me. Once the boys are in bed, Stephanie and I just want to collapse into the shower and then into bed. I feel like my margin of time has vanished, so every day I am just barely recovered before the day is upon me once more. I understand that this is a season of time- both in this one year (Springtime) and in the grand scheme of our family (the boys at their current age) but while it's going on, I sense a feeling of desperation in me that says, "I don't know how long I can do this!"

The only solace I have is in hope in the LORD. Confidence or hope in anything else is lacking. So I hold on to the faith that as I rise each morning that the God who made all things will empower me to live and love in the way that is good and right. I come back to the reality that all I need to do today is love God fully and love people well. That seems to help. I can do that. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!"

Warriors

Our culture is trying hard to thwart the deep desire in little boys to be warriors. There is something deep down in every masculine heart that wants to be the hero on the white horse riding into victorious battle. "Boys will be boys," the saying goes- usually spoken in a negative tone. Institutions tell them to sit still and be quiet with their hands folded in their lap. Why can't they be more nice like little girls? Because little girls aren't the ones who will take up arms in 20 years to fight for our freedom and safety, that's why.

The truth is that we should WANT little boys to learn to fight. If we drain the fight out of them, they'll be drifting 30-something men without a clue of what it means to be a man. They key is teaching them discernment- choosing battles rightly. God designed us to have a mission to fight for- namely the forceful expansion of His Kingdom. (Matt. 11:12)

Anybody who doesn't believe that little boys are born with a warrior's heart haven't had little boys of their own. My boys are always testing themselves on me. And, for now, they adore my strength. But one day they will be strong enough to protect even me. And so I won't allow the fight to be drained from them- I will just direct their energies in the right direction. And what a privilege it is to be responsible for their development as warriors!

Kindercare and Retirement Homes

This picture is of me with my Grandma Kirby- my mother's mother. She has been living with my mom and dad for about the last 15 years. She is a delight to my heart and to everyone who knows her. She contributes to the family in numerous ways and she enjoys the daily love and care of her family.

My wife's grandmother passed away yesterday after the long decline of alzheimer's. She was Stephanie's last living grandparent. Yesterday while I changed my son's diaper and enjoyed his young smile, I was struck by the fact that our lives begin and end in vulnerable need. Both children and elderly folks need a loving, helping hand.

What greater privilege do we have but to care for (or BE cared for by) our children and our parents as they need us (or as WE need THEM)? And yet on any city mainstreet in America you'll find dozens of "childcare centers" and "retirement communities." Are we really so busy (or so disconnected) that we find it easier to pay someone else to care for our immediate family so we don't have to mess with their needs?

In more "family-centric" cultures, this phenomenon doesn't exist- families stick together from beginning to end, making necessary adjustments to ensure that everyone's needs are met. I think our busy American culture has begun to bow down at the altar of wealth and affluence and has sacrificed one of the richest blessings any of us can enjoy- nearness and needs of our own family. Will you team up with me to help resist this modern trend? Let us live and love well, and enjoy the priceless treasure of a loving family!

The One Thing That Separates Us From God

"...there is only one thing that separates us from God, and it is not our sin. It is our self-righteousness." The Good and Beautiful God page 102

Wow. Really? Yes! Sin has been taken care of through the Life, Death, Resurrection and Ascension of Jesus. The new challenge is to continually remember that this isn't my righteousness or my holiness. To think so only feeds the pride of my flesh. It is indeed righteousness APPLIED to me. It is not because of my own merit or worth that my faith is counted as righteousness. No. Jesus is righteous on my behalf. And so therefore, yes, the righteousness in me is indeed perfect, but I am not the source of it. What greater priviledge can there be but to be containers of the perfect righteousness of Jesus Christ?

Lord Jesus, let this reminder foster genuine humility deep within me so that I can bask in Your righteousness and delight in it as I see it manifested through me. You have made me for the purpose of displaying your love and grace to everyone I meet. Thank you LORD!

The Metamorphosis

I saw the change- the evolution took place
Your heart grew with compassion behind the same beautiful face
Like an explosion from heaven raining down care and concern
My Beauty was carried past the point of no return

From a small child you had joy and not a care in the world
Nurtured in wisdom, you were a loved and blessed girl
As you thrived and matured you learned to be an excellent lover
And the depth of your strength only began to be uncovered

Until one day out of love new hearts started to beat
A precious new life, a divinely creative feat
And that’s when I saw it right before my eyes
You blossomed into a mother worthy of heaven’s greatest prize

So I’m filled with thankfulness, amazement and joys
At the metamorphosis of my wife through this precious little boys
You have always been beautiful and your beauty will surely grow
Because your love for our children has only begun to show!

Written by Kirby for Stephanie on Mother's Day, 2004

School Days Have Begun!

I remember when Benjamin was born feeling the mental image of someone clicking to start a stopwatch as his life began. And today I had a similar feeling as I dropped him off at his first day of kindergarten. Seasons of life change and it is hard to believe we are already into the school years. There were a few tears today both from Ben and from me, but tears mixed with excitement and anticipation.

It is a step toward the eventual goal of independence- or rather, interdependence- that is, dependence upon God. I remember when I was little my dad showed me his hand and said that I was in his hand like a little bird. He always said that someday he would completely open up his hand and I would fly away. And now the tables are turned and I am the one holding a small bird in the palm of my hand. I am so excited to be a part of watching him learn how to fly! Be sure to check out my facebook page to view a few videos of the big 1st day of school!

Simpler Things

Why does everything seem so complicated and cumbersome these days? Everyone seems to be so busy that getting together for breakfast can be a task to coordinate our busy schedules. It feels to me like time is spinning out of control on some days.

Well, I want to commit myself to deliberately enjoy the simpler things. The simple things are often the biggest gifts, you know. A little good morning kiss from my wife, a chuckle when I tickle baby Britton's belly, the purple shadows on Pikes Peak when I walk to get the paper, the incredible intricate beauty of a Colorado columbine flower, the excitement and curiosity of Benjamin. Times pass before we know it, and I don't want the joy of these simpler things to be overshadowed by neverending urgent tasks and goals. Life is too short to miss the gift of simple joys!

Stretching

Muscles need to be stretched. I know that sitting around doing nothing isn't best for my muscles, so I exercise and stretch. I feel better when I stretch and keep my muscles conditioned and active.

Stretching applies to life, too. We need to be stretched. Our modern western thinking conditions us to try to provide for the most comfort and the least stretching possible. But it isn't good for us to just sit around in absolute comfort all the time. This leads only to atrophy. Stretching contributes to strength.

Just when I think I can't do it, a little perseverance and prayer pushes me past the point I thought I would crumble. I experienced it last weekend hiking farther than I should have, running low on food and water with miles of difficult terrain still ahead. But it stretched me and now I am stronger because of it. (So are you, Nathan!)

Just as our muscles need to be stretched, so do our lives. We should embrace and even seek out stretching experiences. Otherwise, we send our lives down the road toward atrophy- "a wasting away or progressive decline."

"...we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope..." Romans 5:3-4

The Grace of Doing Nothing

"This will be pretty scary at first for most of us... The command ['Keep the Sabbath holy'] is 'Do no work.' Just make space... Learn that you don't have to do to be. Accept the grace of doing nothing. Stay with it until you stop jerking and squirming." -Dallas Willard, pg 36 of The Great Omission

This idea of doing nothing flies in the face of the productive American mindset. "I've just gotta get stuff done." Well, frankly, you don't. There will ALWAYS be more work to do. So God graciously commands us to stop work every week. He intended the Sabbath to restore us.

A whole day of rest. No work. Only relationship, rest and restoration. We must discipline ourselves (counter to our productive instincts) to keep the Sabbath day set apart for extending ourselves the grace of doing nothing. Let us be careful not to fill "rest day"with tiring activities, even activities deemed sacred.

Seasons

It's summer now in Colorado, the grass is green and the flowers are doing their thing. My days are filled with busyness and lots of dirt and sweat. I feel tired much of the time and I long for the freshness of the wilderness: soothing wind in the trees, wildflowers above treeline, the sound of my heart beating in my ears as I hike and the expansive views from the summits of Colorado mountaintops. I will make time to enjoy these things during this summer season. I can hardly imagine what it feels like to snuggle up by a fire in the middle of a snowstorm, but I can remember wishing for hot summer days not so long ago! Seasons change.

And as seasons of a year pass, so do seasons of our lives. It is all too easy to wish away the current season and long for another. It takes discipline and dedication to find contentment in each season. For now, I'm stepping on baby toys in the hall, learning how to balance business and family, correcting the attitude of a 5-year-old, changing dirty diapers and trying desperately to maintain connectedness and cohesiveness with my beloved wife of 11 years. But this season will pass as the many before it. So I will enjoy it and savor each unique aspect of it, being careful to be present in it instead of living in the past or longing for the future! Seasons change.

"Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever; wisdom and power are his. He changes times and seasons; he sets up kings and deposes them. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning." Daniel 2:20-21